To Live

I recently heard about the film Ikiru on a podcast and decided to spend a leisurely Friday night watching the film. And I loved it. Ikiru means "to live", but the film is about Kanji Watanabe, a man that is dying. The first screen shot is from an early scene in the movie, around the time that Watanabe learns that "pleasure is not life". He sings the song, "Gondola no uta", hauntingly with a sense of great loss in his voice. It's a deeply emotional and honest film about life. 

I think in a lot of American films with a terminally ill protagonist, the protagonist does something drastic. They quit their job. They sell all their things. They go and have an "eat, pray, love" experience or something of the sort. Not in Ikiru. And that's why I loved it. Happiness is relative. You don't have to do something that seems extraordinary to have a worthwhile life. At this point in my life, this film really resonated with me. I'm sure a lot of us grapple with the same questions - Am I merely existing? What is happiness? I am in my early twenties and I still have a lot of growing to do. I have given into hedonism time and time again. And have always felt empty. Watanabe's realization that pleasure is not life coincides with recent events and thoughts that I have been having recently.  Like many people, I liked to joke that 2016 was a terrible year - I experienced a lot of hurt, resentment, and unhealthy relationships. 2017 started off rocky, but I'm starting to understand and come to terms with my priorities, trying to learn new skills, and setting new goals for myself.

I don't know what it means "to live". But I do know that with every experience, opportunity, and person that comes into my life I will get closer to understanding. 

 

This screenshot is from towards the end of the film, when Watanabe is sitting on a swing in the park, singing "Gondola no uta" again. But this time with contentment in his voice.

Japan Film & Thoughts on Traveling (Solo) and other Musings

I have been wanting to go to Japan for ages. So on a whim, I decided this year I would go. I haven't traveled out of the country for almost three years (!!!). I couldn't find anyone to accompany me, so I traveled to Japan solo...and so ensued another solo travel adventure. I began my trip in Tokyo and then made my way to Nara, Kyoto, Mount Koya, and Osaka. I'm sharing a few of my favorite shots that I took on film. I was hoping to see the cherry blossoms in full bloom, but I was a bit too early and the weather was a bit too cold. That didn't take away from the beauty of the country or my experience. There is so much to see, do, and experience in Japan that I'll just have to go back.

This wasn't my first time traveling solo. My first time was right after I graduated from college and I went off to Europe for 5 weeks. That was a scary, amazing, and an insightful experience that pushed me out of my comfort zone in so many ways. But when I came back from that trip, I was forced to face the "real" world after graduation. I had no job. I came back to a post-grad slump. I debated with myself about going back to school. I worked a job that I didn't love. I quit my job. Started a new job. Figured out new career goals. Dated - a lot. Had my heart bruised. I traveled more (domestically). I moved back to Orange County. I made new friends. I've been growing. 

So traveling solo this time wasn't as anxiety inducing. I was excited and ready to see what this new country had in store for me. I arrived in Japan and fell in love with the country instantly. The people, the culture, the food. Because I grew up and went to school in predominately Asian areas my whole life, not too many things were shocking. I experienced some culture shock - the language barrier was a huge one. But nothing too difficult to overcome. I met some awesome people in Japan. Some of the best conversations I've had have been with strangers (who later become friends). I don't think I'll ever forget those drunken nights talking about life, travel, dating, photography, friends, our homes. Amazing how quickly strangers can connect with each other. 

Traveling solo has been one of the most rewarding decisions I've made. One thing that I hear from people when I tell them I'm traveling alone is that they aren't sure they could do that because they enjoy sharing the experience with someone else. Well, I can say I've shared a lot of experiences with a lot of strangers and new friends. And honestly, if I wait for people to travel with me I would have probably not traveled out of the country by now. Traveling solo is a unique experience, and I'm glad to be able to do so. Travel is a different experience for everyone. I travel to experience new cultures, meet new people, and ultimately experience humanity. A lot of conversations I had with people I met were about how when you come back home nothing has changed. The beauty of travel is that all your titles and who you "are" is stripped away. While I agreed with everyone that things are the same when you come back home, I mentioned that while things may be the same...you aren't. Travel changes you in a way that's hard to describe. Since returning, I've met up with a few friends to catch up and talk about my travels. And although things were the "same" when I returned home, I realized that I wasn't. And while that can be frustrating, to have changed so much while everything around you is the same, I've come to appreciate where I am and the opportunities I've been able to take. I don't travel to escape. I always return home with a fresh perspective on my current situation in life. I'm thankful to have friends and family that care about me back home. 

In Bloom

Spring is here! Of course, I live in Southern California so that doesn't really mean much. But I love the idea of "starting fresh" and I did experience my first real winter this year (snow isn't just in the mountains, apparently). I stopped by Trader Joe's the other day and saw there were ranunculus in season, and I couldn't help myself. I can't resist photographing flowers against dark backgrounds, I just like the moody contrast.

These flowers were just a small little pick me up, and a small reminder that spring is in the air. I've been grappling with a lot of things in my life lately, and I'm using this new season as a time to reflect and focus on myself. 

So - hello, spring. Let's see what this new season has in store for me. 

Feeling Tiny

The other night I decided to drive up to the Angeles National Forest with my best friend (and his dog) to watch the Perseid Meteor Shower. We tried to watch it a few years ago, but it was cloudy. This night was perfect. I am so intrigued by astrophotography, so I decided to try my hand at it - especially since I had enough time to prepare.

I failed at photographing any meteors, but I did see a good amount in the sky. Fun fact, that streak in my photo is a satellite. 

Behind the mountains is the lovely, bright city of Los Angeles.

I also decided it was the perfect time to try out photographing star trails! I set up my camera and let it take multiple long exposures over a span of 1.5 hours. I wish I had been a little more patient and had taken more photos. But it's not too bad for my first attempt, I definitely want to try taking more. 

Laying down (on a very uncomfortable log) and staring at the stars felt surreal. I love places that make me feel tiny. They remind me how small my problems are. Life hasn't been easy for me lately. I'm in my twenties and I'm confused.

Staring up at the sky that night and staring at the vast amount of stars with my best friend - I couldn't help but feel so incredibly lucky for the life I have and for the people in it. The universe is so vast -- my little piece of the world is so small. My "problems" felt so tiny in comparison. I'm surrounded by love from my amazing friends and family, who have helped keep me grounded through everything going on in my life. I hate that I haven't been able to completely let go of my feelings of hurt and inadequacy, but that's why I'm writing this down. This is my catharsis. All I can do is keep growing and learning from these experiences, because "someday all this mess will make me laugh."

Concrete Jungle - Day Four/Five

Our last day in NYC! We didn't have too much planned since we had dinner reservations in the evening. We started the morning visiting the MoMA

Concrete Jungle - Day Three

After deciding to sleep in an extra hour, we head to the Empire State Building to see the views from above! 

Concrete Jungle - Day Two

This morning we decided to head to the Rockefeller Center to see the view from Top of the Rock. It was a cloudy day, but the views were still breathtaking.

Concrete Jungle - Day One

This post is long overdue, but I went to NYC with a few friends for a quick trip in December. Being born and raised in Southern California, I've never experienced a real winter, and the first day was such a shock to my system. The next few days were more bearable, and the city was starting to grow on me.

We took a red-eye flight from LA to NYC, and we arrived around 7:30AM. We stayed in Astoria, Queens and our Airbnb host let us drop off our luggage early. Lauren, Kat, and I wandered around the neighborhood while we waited for Vanessa to arrive. I enjoyed the laid back vibes of Astoria compared to the hustle and bustle of Manhattan.

Thanksgiving Weekend 2014 [FILM]

Besides taking the long weekend to catch up with a few friends, I took it as an opportunity to visit a few places I've been wanting to see for a while and use up some film. First up Bergamot Station in Santa Monica!

Favorite Authors: Haruki Murakami

 I'm no literature expert, the last literature class I took was 5 years ago in high school, & the closest thing I took to a literature class in college was about reading and writing scientific articles and labs. However, my love of reading has never died down, although it has been neglected due to my studies. I first fell in love with Haruki Murakami's novels when I read Kafka on the Shore a few years ago. When I first read it, I couldn't put it down. I was pulled into the story of Kafka and Hoshino, I re-read it a few months ago and found different parts of the story sticking out to me compared to when I first read it. Recently, I picked up Murakami's latest novel, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage. Once again, another novel I couldn't put down (I finished it in less than a week). I've read a handful of Murakami novels, which is why I've decided to sit down and share my thoughts on one of my (safe to say) favorite authors.

Labor Day Roadtrip to NorCal: San Jose // Carmel

This is the second year in a row that a few of my friends and I decided to road trip up north to visit our friend Vanessa, who moved away from SoCal to do amazing things and became a teacher for Teach For America.

B&W Film 2013

I remember going to Costco to get my film developed, but I was told they didn't develop the type of B&W film I had, and I'd have to go to Samy's camera or some other shop to get it developed. Fast forward almost a year later, I found the roll of film sitting in a drawer among other knick knacks I had unpacked a few months earlier. A few days ago I found a shop nearby that developed black and white film, and a couple days later I had a stack of lost memories. I can't remember exactly when these photos were taken now, I'm thinking Spring Break 2013, but I could be wrong.

My cute little terrarium...which, I broke while unpacking things to move back into my room. Sigh.

Some photos snapped at or around the Griffith Observatory.

The Getty Museum in Los Angeles, one of my favorites.

Rosie's dog beach in Long Beach

Solivagant

“The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it’s not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person—without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other.” - Osho

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” - Mark Twain

"Traveling is a brutality. It forces you to trust strangers and to lose sight of all that familiar comfort of home and friends. You are constantly off balance. Nothing is yours except the essential things—air, sleep, dreams, the sea, the sky—all things tending towards the eternal or what we imagine of it." - Cesare Pavese

"Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors." -Terry Pratchett

"I miss so many places but I really don’t miss any places at all. Because missing a place is really a substitute for missing a group of people, a mindset, a time - an era of your life defined by your surroundings because they were different than anything else you’ve ever known. Going back to the place won’t satiate the longing or quell the nostalgia, because no matter what, things have changed, and people have moved on and the place won’t be how you’ve left it. Sometimes returning to the city or the country just adds to the emptiness of knowing that you can never return to those specific trips that shaped you; you’ll never recreate those memories fading ever-distant into your past. you can’t tug at the ever-flowing current of time to get just a few seconds back of that feeling of truly living that was inspired by the confluence of stars that brought you, those people, that place, those circumstances together all at once. 
So the only thing to do is keep chasing, chasing that wanderlust, collecting more and more experiences that you’ll then miss equally sharply, leaving a trail of goodbyes and adding to the ever-growing list of places you miss, experiences you ache to replay, moments that define who you are. those places are home, even if they will never exist again the way they did for you then." - I wrote a note on my phone at midnight, by Marit B.

Where to start? I backpacked through Western Europe...by myself! During the beginning of my trip my stomach was in knots, I was nervous. I contemplated what would happen if I cancelled my plans. Initially, I didn't want to go alone...but I had no one to go with me. I've dreamt of travelling for years, and I was finally making my dreams come true! 

2014

Here's to new beginnings. Goals for 2014:

• Remember to count my blessings. 
• Have a little faith.
• Work hard. Play hard.
• Travel more (here's to hoping to book my plane ticket soon!)
• Budget better.
• Shop less. Shop smarter.
• Embrace change.
• Be more creative. Take more photos. 
• Declutter. 
• Improve my mile time.
• Run a 5k.
• Stop comparing myself to others.
• Stop waiting. Make things happen.
• Don't wait for doors to open.
• Chase light.

“Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.”

Wanderlust